


Let Me In

by EerieLight



Category: Code Lyoko
Genre: Anxiety, Eating Disorders, Eventual Romance, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-20
Updated: 2017-10-20
Packaged: 2019-01-20 02:43:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12423438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EerieLight/pseuds/EerieLight
Summary: Hurt. Love. Pain. Friendship. Fear. Hope"...Odd, will you let me help you?"





	Let Me In

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I have major depression with a side of anxiety and seasonal affective disorder. This means that some of the experiences in this fic (centered around generalized anxiety disorder with a side of depression) may not be entirely accurate. 
> 
> I view all of my works as living works so if you have any constructive criticism or feedback to leave, I'll take it into consideration and possible edit my work accordingly.
> 
> Thanks! :)

The sun filtered through the leaves creating a dazzling pattern on the ground. Ulrich closed his eyes and leaned back against the steady tree, taking shelter in the cool shade. He listened to the sound of Odd playing fetch with Kiwi, a small smile growing on his face. A breeze blew by. A bird chirped. Then Kiwi dropped his frisbee at Ulrich's feet and barked. Strange. He opened his eyes and gave Kiwi a perplexed glance before scanning the clearing. His feet moved before his brain had fully processed why.

Odd was on the ground, arms wrapped around his legs, eyes closed, chest heaving. In an instant, Ulrich knelt beside him. Placing a hand cautiously on his knee.

"Odd?"

Odd looked up at him with wide eyes, mouth agape as he gasped for air. His eyes begged for help. Ulrich tried his best. 

"Odd what's happening?"

Odd closed his eyes again.

"Odd please... look- look at me." Ulrich’s voice caught with sudden fear. Had XANA released poison into the air? Had he launched a top secret military bioweapon? Had he somehow slipped something into Odd’s breakfast, a slow acting toxin that had just now begun working?

Odd looked back up into Ulrich's eyes, this time with tears threatening to fall.

"Ok, ok um." Ulrich looked around desperately, as though the woods might provide him with an answer, a clue as to how to help his friend. He grabbed Odd's hand and squeezed tight. Odd squeezed back. "Ok, Odd, let's um, let's take some deep breaths."

Odd nodded and dragged a ragged breath in. He then held it looking desperately into Ulrich's eyes before sucking more air into his already full lungs.

"You have to breathe out too. Here, just breathe with me," Ulrich took as steady of breaths as he could, giving Odd what he hoped was a reassuring smile, "it's alright, you're alright. Just keep breathing for me."

Odd's breathing slowed, though the tremors continued to wrack his body. Soon those too calmed. Odd uncurled and let himself fall back against the tree. Kiwi crawled into his lap and licked his face. Odd smiled weakly.

"Odd?"

"Hm?"

"Are you ok?"

 "Been better, to be completely honest."

Ulrich smiled, relieved.

"Was that, was that XANA? Some kind of toxin or bioweapon?"

"No’," Odd laughed slightly before responding, “It was just a panic attack. Nothing special really.”

A moment of silence.

"I thought you said you _used_ to have anxiety."

Odd frowned and stood up on shaky legs, "It's not that simple."

"Oh."

 "I'm going back to our room."

"I'll come too."

"No, it's really okay. I'm fine now." Odd smiled weakly to prove it.

 "Are you sure?"

"I’m sure," Odd gave a cheery, though shaky, thumbs up, then turned and left.

Ulrich stood in the clearing. Watching Odd’s blond hair sway in the breeze.

 

Ulrich couldn't keep his mind off his best friend. Especially when he didn't show up for dinner that night.

"Where's Odd?" Yumi asked while Jeremy looked at Ulrich expectantly.

"He... He wasn't feeling well," not a lie, technically. "In fact, I'd better go check on him."

 

Ulrich opened the door and let out a breath he hadn't realized he’d been holding when he heard the loud snore. Beside Odd laid Kiwi, who lifted his head, yawned, and went back to sleep. Although his curiosity urged him to wake his snoring friend, Ulrich turned to leave. Before he could turn, Odd stirred.

"Hi Ulrich," Odd rubbed his eyes.

"Hey Odd," Ulrich smiled warmly at his friend. Odd smiled back and opened his mouth to speak.

"I'm uh, sorry about earlier. Leaving like that."

"Oh, it's fine. I was just," Ulrich looked down at his feet, "worried."

"I know."

"Odd?"

"Yeah?"

"How long have you been having trouble with this?" Ulrich’s face showed his concern and he waited wide-eyed for a response.

"You mean other than my whole life?" Odd’s joke fell flat on its face as soon as it left his lips.

"Odd please."

Odd hesitated, "since XANA took over the government laser."

"Odd," Ulrich's head shot up in shock, "that's months!"

Odd shrugged.

"Why didn't you tell anyone?" a moment passed, "Why didn't you tell _me_?" Ulrich felt betrayed, confused. He and Odd had always told each other everything. They’d talked about everything, from girls to troubles at home. Ulrich couldn’t comprehend the idea of Odd keeping such an important piece of information hidden from him.

"I'm sorry," Odd was staring at the floor. 

Ulrich noticed movement and saw Odd picking at his hand nervously.

"Hey," Ulrich took a few steps forward, "I'm not mad. Just worried."

"I'm sorry," Odd whispered.

"For what?"

"Worrying you," Odd chewed at his bottom lip, "that's why I didn't tell you. I didn’t want to worry you... I didn't want to be a burden," Odd’s face showed his sincerity.

"Oh, Odd. Of course, of course, you're not a burden," Ulrich took a deep breath and closed his eyes. A minute passed in silence, "it's not too late for dinner."

"Ok, just,” Odd caught Ulrich’s eyes, “please don't tell the others."

"I won't."

 

At dinner Odd made casual conversation, laughed, told jokes, but Ulrich kept a close eye on him and noticed one thing off. The boy hardly touched his food, he moved it around and took tiny bites every now and then, but the notorious glutton hardly made a dent in the meal. He caught Ulrich watching and quickly put a bite in his mouth. Ulrich looked away.

Later that night Odd turned to him.

"Please, don't watch me like that."

"Like what?" Ulrich knew fully well what Odd meant, but decided to defend himself nonetheless.

"You know what."

Silence.

“Yeah,” Ulrich opted for a sheepish grin, "I'm sorry."

"Can we just, forget this whole day even happened?"

"Take a short trip to the past?"

"Yeah,” Odd smiled at the joke, “except you'd still remember it then."

Ulrich shrugged

"I'll try to forget."

"Thank you."

 

...

 

Over the next few weeks, Ulrich watched, listened, observed in every possible way Odd's behavior. He noticed things that he realized had been there before but he hadn't thought anything off Odd never changed in front of anyone, some days he barely touched his food, while others he wolfed it down, he never seemed completely relaxed unless he was asleep, even then he mumbled incoherently (Ulrich had taken to leaving out his earplugs and waiting). Something was up with Odd. So, Ulrich devised a plan. A plan that made his stomach churn, but a plan with the best of intentions. 

Ulrich lied still waiting until he heard the familiar whine of Kiwi

"Alright, alright," Odd rose groggily from his bed and slipped on his shoes, "let's do this."

Ulrich waited for the click of the door and sprung into action, he only had minutes so he needed to be fast. He flipped on the light and got to work. He opened the first drawer on Odd's dresser, digging through shirts but ultimately coming up empty. Next, socks. Nothing. Finally, underwear. This had to be it. He rifled through the underwear and felt a zipper. He grabbed the item and pulled it from the wreckage, placing everything back to as close to how he found it and went back to his bed. He opened the pencil case and reached a hand cautiously inside. He felt numerous things, and his stomach flip-flopped as his suspicions were confirmed. He checked the time and decided that it had to be then. _Now or never._  

He poured the bag out and examined the contents, two bars resembling chocolate, but which he knew damn well weren't, a disposable razor head, and four thin curved pieces of metal, the blades from a similar razor head. He examined the razor and to his dismay found rust on the corners. _Oh, Odd_. The doorknob turned. Ulrich' heart skipped a beat and he braced himself for the shitshow to come.

"Ulrich, why'd you turn the lights on? You know Jim-" 

"Odd I-"

"Y-you went through my stuff?"

"I- yes, but only-" he couldn't finish his thought before the smaller boy lept upon him. The first blow connected directly with his cheekbone, Ulrich hissed before pushing back at Odd, "Get. Off." He growled out, flipping them over onto the floor. Struggling Ulrich attempted to pin down Odd's arms but ultimately failed.

"How," a swat at Ulrich's face, "fucking," a shove to his chest, "dare," a grab at Ulrich's hair, "you."

Ulrich finally grabbed both of Odd's arms and had him pinned to the floor. 

"Please Odd," Ulrich grasped desperately for the right words to convey everything he felt in that moment. He was quickly cut off.

"No,” Odd was seething, and still struggling against Ulrich’s grip.

"Odd."

"Let go of me."

"I want to help."

"I don't want your help!"

"Please Odd.

"No!"

"You've been scaring me."

Odd finally stopped struggling, tears welled up in his eyes threatening to trickle down his face. 

"N-no." Odd choked weakly, before giving up and relaxing his body entirely.

Ulrich let go, half expecting Odd to make another lunge at him. Instead Odd covered his face with his arms.

"Odd, I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't have gone through your things. I was just, worried." 

A choked sob escaped Odd.

"Odd, please don't cry"

Odd cried harder.

Ulrich stood and sat on Odd's bed, making sure to avoid the blades scattered on the ground. Odd crawled up onto the bed and pulled his knees close to his chest.

Silence filled the room, threatening to overwhelm the teens. 

"Odd..."

Odd lifted his head.

"I'm sorry. I invaded your privacy, and I shouldn't have and I'm sorry." 

Odd closed his eyes and rested his head back on his knees.

"Will you let me help you?"

Silence.

"Odd?"

"Yes," a whisper.

"Thank you. I think it can wait until the morning if you want."

A nod.

 

Ulrich stood and turned out the light. He waited a moment before turning towards his bed. A hand touched his shoulder lightly. Ulrich turned and found his waist wrapped in a hug, Odd's forehead resting on his shoulder. He felt dampness spreading through the fabric there and held Odd close. He walked them to Odd's bed where the blond-haired boy crawled under the covers and closed his eyes. Ulrich laid down on the comforter, watching the rise and fall of Odd's chest.

 

...

 

Morning came, Ulrich blearily looked around the room and noticed Odd, fully dressed and lying awake next to Ulrich.

"Odd," Ulrich started

"Hm," Odd replied without moving his head or eyes.

"Lestalk," Ulrich mumbled, falling back against the bed.

"Maybe we should talk after you, y'know, wake up?"

Ulrich just groaned.

 

After brushing his teeth, combing his fingers through his hair and putting some clean clothes on, Ulrich sat on the edge of Odd's bed. The silence grew as both boys braced themselves for the difficult conversation ahead.

"Ulrich," Odd sat up to look Ulrich in the eye, "I know you just wanted to help but, I don't forgive you yet."

"Yet?"

"Yet."

Ulrich nodded solemnly.

"What do you want to talk about?" Odd waited patiently for a reply.

"I just... want to know what's going on," Ulrich took a deep breath, "with you."

"It's," Odd closed his eyes, "hard to explain." A moment passed. "I've just been," eyes squeezed shut, "so fucking anxious, Ulrich. I don't know."

"It's ok."

"No, it's not," Odd opened his eyes, "it's horrible. I hate it. I feel useless, a-and helpless. I wake up and I feel stuck to the bed, paralyzed. Eating feels like everyone's watching me, walking across the classroom to sharpen a pencil feels like I might collapse my heart beats so fast. And, and the only way I feel some release from the tension and the fear and the nervous energy is-"

"Hurting yourself?”

Odd's face grew stoic.

"I just don't get it, Odd"

"No. You don't."

"You're hurting the people who love you."

"How? How is a few moments of solace from fear and pain and feeling like I'm dying hurting anyone?"

"We, _I_ , don't want you to hurt, and if I've noticed you changing then the others have too. We just want to help you. We want to make you feel better but we don't know how. Help us help you."

"I don't know how. This is all I know. When I cut myself I feel, better, I can close my eyes and drift away. It's... a fuzzy feeling, like floating. And, and, I just have to throw up. I don’t really understand it either but, it’s just something I have to do. It's something I have that's mine, and I don't see how that affects anyone but me."

"Odd, please. I understand why you're defensive, but please just hear me out." Ulrich took a deep breath, "When you hurt yourself, it hurts us. We don't want you to be hurting or to hurt yourself. Odd, will you let me help you?"


End file.
